The Wait

 

My dreams became bloated, too big, and floated away

Now like a planet orbiting the world down here

Succumbed to temptation, fallen and astray

I look up and can barely remember

In this life of delusion with timid hopes unclear

But it all felt within my grasp back then

All I had searched for, a reason, a purpose so near

The pendulum balanced and the past forgiven

With a path set out before me there for the taking

if I could only surrender, keep faith and be driven

Any suffering that lie ahead would be of my own making

 

 

There is no virtue in insecurity

only a dying battery running a slow machine

It’s cowardice wearing the mask of modesty

waiting with pride for a faded belief to intervene

After countless wasted chances lost in hesitation

Why should I strive for redemption?  How?

Suffocated, deflated by doubt and humiliation

Is what’s left of my weakened life worth it?  Even now?

I wait out the night and life without rest

wondering how many more mornings will dawn cloudy and tired like me

Ambition must be a gift given to the worthy, the blessed

Not to the haunted from squandered opportunity

 

Motivation, the offspring of Love and Will

who sees not the shame and the nothing I can’t amend

nor the Self-walled prison that holds me still

With nothing I’ve grown comfortable with. . . but I can wait it out till the end

After all, I’ve given the eulogy for the part of me that passed

What’s left of me is nothing but the faded memories and tainted hindsight

and lost with his death, the key out of Hell and the wisdom amassed

But I can wait and repent and remember the light

Questioning why it was given to him that night

I can wait in this soulless shell forever it seems

serving out my time in the shadows of dreams

 

1/6, 1/11/2020

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