Already Dead – 12/7/17

I’m already dead so go ahead
Let the meek inherit the Earth like the book said
It’s where I’ll be wasting time with my hate cycling around and around
different hated versions of myself
What a waste
A meaningless godless world empty except my hated self
A limbo of regret and indecision and denial confusion fear
of what’s real and what is all there is behind the real
I hate my ugly wasted self and the talentless brain spinning webs of repetitive hate
Wasting my whole empty life trying to imagine an escape without actually finding one
I’m stuck in this purgatory world of revolving traps and temptations of nonsensical misery
So close and so far is the end of all this shit
The view from the bridge down is a question of distance
and death and wondering if any of this trash I’ve made will count against my sentence
So go for it pull the trigger I’m already dead
I’ve been dead and will die and repeat the suffering of the last life and the next
I’m alone in a shallow life with just enough memory left to recall what it was like
to feel things other than anger and fear and stress anxious and tired and aching in this mess
I wake with pain and carry the dread into the empty and meaningless repetition
of the day and holding my breath while my heart beats fast and my mind
clenches with the pressure of being lost and empty and dead
I was born with hate I’ll die with dread and self pity
and experience the darkness of the empty pointless void where I came from last time
when I found out that there isn’t a reason for doing this again
I’m exhausted and weak in this in-between world
The emptiness and loneliness of enticing irony and unreachable horizons
Was I ever alive here?
Did I ever feel love and contentment and compassion?
If I did or was or have been it’s gone now
I wasted it and turn away from the teasing light and glimpses of a riddle
with an illusion tied around its tail running in circles of things with no meaning
I’m already dead so go ahead
I’ll dream of how I think it should be and wake once more to THIS nightmare life
where everything I want is right over the next hill and the one after that
and the meek inherit the Earth and the Earth is filled with the weak
and the hateful and the cowards who lie in wait and lie in pain and lie to themselves
about the nature of life and surrender and the meaningless stumble
into a prison of my own device but I’m already dead
I’ve been dead I lie with dread of what’s ahead or in my head
or what I could be doing instead of being caught in this miserable loop

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