If God wants to find me, he can go to Hell and start looking. We parted ways a long time ago. He wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with him…or IT. Or whatever. Hell is my life now. I better get used to it. Hell is a lot like the “regular world.” It’s not a place, but a way of life…a state of mind. It’s a free world filled with all the horrible things that make this world wrong. God can’t save us without making us “his” puppets.
Hell doesn’t scare me anymore because it’s a world I know, a life I’ve grown used to. I’ve seen things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Demons fucking demons, horned beasts simultaneously beating and fucking and writhing in the gray-brown dust-mud of Hell. Sex acts that make sex undesirable. Black, hairless rats with human faces, my faces, crawling and dangling from the walls and ceiling. Black devil imps, so familiar. A Dante-like hooked-nose old man sitting tiredly outside my door. My hopes turned against me, my desires tainted and set to the tune of Hell.
Green trees? Blue sky? Chirping little birds? Just teases and illusions that mask the true world I live in. My soul is dead. My hippie compassion is dead…I want blood and sex and alcohol and drugs…I want to stare down the devil that used to scare me. There is no more “good” in the world, just curtains. God has left us alone to fend for ourselves. Evil has reached a hand into the human pool. My soul is rotten…broken so thoroughly as to be unfixable. I have seen this.
Other people see something else, something external, but I am the one who has to be stuck with the internal, The Real. I am the waterskin that holds the evil in this world. Held on the back of a man who appears righteous.
“Let me be the vessel which holds all the evil of the world and keeps it from others. Let me carry that burden and it’ll all be worth it.”
It poisons me. But this “Devil” this “Satan” doesn’t even have the balls to face me like a man. He hides and pulls pranks like a fucking neurotic child who leaves a bag of flaming shit at the door, but doesn’t have the courage to look me in the eye. “God” doesn’t either. I’m a third dimensional human with limited capabilities and yet this ALL POWERFUL CREATOR can’t even show itself to me?! What the fuck? But when you know you’re fucked up, how MUCH you’re fucked up, that is an awareness that can save you.