Halfwitsdom

This time around I was thinking about the illusion of duality and the trouble it can create in the perception of life. “There is nothing bad that can happen as long as we aren’t living with the expectation and desire of the opposite of bad.”

People always say, Have a good day, a good night, a good….whatever. A bad day doesn’t exist…really. It’s just a day. It’s only life that we experience, feel, see, and remember. The separation of good and bad is self-induced. Things we perceive usually have an opposite: Good/bad dark/light up/down ugly/beautiful God/Devil
The degree of each negative depends on the perceived degree of the positive, so naturally if I wake up and really desire to have a “good day” and create an illusion of what a “good day” is, anything that doesn’t live up to my expectation of “good” falls into the category of “bad” relative to the degree of my illusion/expectation.
So instead, why not just… have A DAY. Be a part of it somehow. Stop giving a shit about what happens to you, because it’s NOT happening to YOU, it’s just happening. Change something that you otherwise wouldn’t think would change if you weren’t a part of it. Have a fucking DAY!

-I don’t know where I’m going and where I’ve been but I feel it mattering less and less each year and that is something to look forward to.  It means that the trouble I used to foresee and dread is probably nothing more than a projection of what I want to happen.

If “I” and “myself” are different, then how?  Which one is “me?”  I’ve often deduced it down to The Good, The Bad, and The Narrator.  I guess deep enough down I consider the “real me” to be the Good, but unfortunately, especially for other people, deep down isn’t what is on top.  They get to meet The Bad and The Narrator and I wonder sometimes why I get such negative reactions.
So I guess going back to earlier about the me, myself, and I thing,  “Me” would be the sum of all three, a pretty general title.   “Myself” would probably be the combination of the other two, making it the Narrator.  “I” would be the ego that takes the credit for something good, but also denies or dismisses the bad things.

 

“I walked around and looked for clues that might trigger a memory, but found nothing.  I seem to remember finding some change that might have been mine, but why would I bring change on a mushroom trip in the woods?  When I think about it now, it triggers the thought I had of having to spend the rest of my life finding scattered “pieces” I dropped and lost and each “piece” would eventually put my life back together. . .that most likely won’t happen until either I die or, if there actually will be a consciousness shift in the future.

“. . .For example, sometimes I look at something or hear a sound and it’s like I’m moving through time.  ‘Real’ time is still passing, but the ‘other’ time slows down, speeds up, or even seems to stop.  I picture it like moving backwards.  I believe there is a sort of starting point in life, but not in the sense of linear time, but spherical.  In order to live life we have to move away from that center or nexus.  When we die, we go back and get to look at our lives like a montage.  I suppose that’s how we learn things.”

“…There was a point in that particular trip when I saw something shining (probably the sun while lying on my back) that was a trigger.  My theory was this:  Throughout my life I would see certain triggers, they would then trigger a thought and that checkpoint would be passed….in other words, I would find a “piece” I had dropped sometime along the way.

Then I really started to get scared.  How long had I been out for?  Was it even the same day, and would there be rangers looking for me?  Paranoid trip thoughts I know, but that was real at the time.  Then I thought back to earlier in the experience when I think I actually laid down and stared up through the tree leaves at the sky.  I wondered, if I laid there long enough, would I be able to watch myself decay?  Obviously I had no real concept of time.

I used to always gauge my trips by how much time had passed and how much time was left and I was always thinking about time.  But I just laid there for God knows how long (it seemed like days) and thought that if I had died, I should stay in my body and witness the passing of time in order to gain some deeper knowledge of life.  I felt like I couldn’t abandon my decaying body because that would be like cheating.  I’m always trying to take the easy way out and I figured that if I’m willing to go through this insane experience on purpose, then I might as well try to listen to the message and learn something.  Not the first time that happened either.  Remember the one the week prior in my apartment?  I was actually going to start walking down the ditch of Highway 10 because I thought no one could see me.  I was on my way to some destination on top of a mountain somewhere where I would learn how to meditate and learn about time. Same bag of mushrooms by the way. . .weird huh?

Anyway, at some point during the peak of the trip — you know that point when things get so far out and strange that you’re not even in the same place anymore let alone the same universe? — I was looking at some shape-shifting object.  It looked and felt like every part of it led to a different dimension.  Like a constantly morphing polyhedron that somehow shifted sides and turned in ways that are impossible in this dimension.  Anyway, I was seeing this thing (while also in it) switching and turning and I felt like I left the world where I came from and actually entered another dimension.

 When I think about the fourth dimension, I imagine seeing things from the inside and outside while being a part of it simultaneously.  It was obviously either totally an illusion, or the new dimension was similar to the one before because my memories fit together.  I got the idea of there being multiple options while not being in control of what option to choose.  Like trying to look directly at those sparkly spots you see while light-headed.”

 

 

—I closed my eyes and the first words that came to mind were, “the path to the center comes from all sides.”  Then I thought, “what the hell does that mean?”  It’s a way of navigating through four dimensions.  It sounds simple in terms of this dimension, but in the fourth dimension things are a little different.  Okay, bear with me here.  Imagine looking at a transparent dodecahedron and connecting each point with a line.  Each line could connect at the center.  Then take smaller dodecahedrons and place them at equal intervals inside the larger one.  Imagining yourself in the center of that object, try imagining what that same dodecahedron would be like in four dimensions instead of three.  It would be infinitely complex and the whole shape would be a universe.  Basically each “side” starting from the center would be like a doorway into another dimension.  The “place” where all those lines meet would be the nexus of that entire “universe.”

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July 11. 2014

The mushroom experience is a life condensed. . .literally!!  I’ve had the theory before about a psychedelic trip being a lifetime packed into a six to eight hour experience, but what if it’s actually supposed to be that way?  In the beginning of the trip, it starts off happy, wonderful, awe inspiring and magical.  Much like the beginning of life as a baby!  Everything is happy and fascinating; the light, the illusions and visions of the room or scenery around you, the sounds, music…even the bathroom!!  Then as one gets “older” and the trip progresses through the toddler years and further into adolescence, things get less fantastical and whimsical and become more personal.  You start to feel like you’re “getting the hang of it”, like you’ve done all of this before….Soon enough, the ego kicks in and you start to think that maybe you know more than you really do about life and the way to live it.  Choices are made, decisions are split between what the ego wants and what is morally and spiritually “right.”  Those choices determine the reality of the trip just as the choices we make in life determine the outcome of a particular situation.  We mold our lives as we go along on the road of life.  The ability to be aware of all of this is crucial in a mushroom trip.  It’s too easy to get caught up in the sense of power and self that comes from the feeling of reward to the ego.  Physical pleasure, material possessions, even knowledge can distort the journey and start one off on a path to self destruction.  Everything we do has consequences and during the mushroom trip those consequence get played out much faster than in waking life.

Much like a teenager, the adolescent tripper thinks they know everything and can handle anything!  “Bring it on!!”  It’s almost like the whole experience, the trip, even the mushrooms themselves were made just for you!!  This is YOUR TIME, TAKE IT!  You are the only one in the world that matters and everything is at your feet.

Then there’s the emotional roller coaster…doubt, fear, ego inflation, self pity, pleasure, self loathing, comfort, anger, sadness, extreme joy… all of these feelings collide and swirl in the brain as the images of the world and external visuals twirl and melt and crawl around you and within you.

Each individual stage of one’s life passes just as it has already passed before, only this time, it’s going faster and faster still…and wait!!!  How could it be going faster if there is no time?  Was there ever any time?  How long has this been going on?  Oh shit…  Suddenly you’re not a child anymore and this is getting real.  Maybe there was a hardship or hurdle in your life that you struggled to get past.  Or perhaps there were some skeletons buried deep within your closet that you didn’t ever want to face again.

Now you’re stuck.  Stuck in a moment.  How can you evolve and develop further in life without facing these things?  People cheat, try to forget, bury the negative so they won’t have to deal with it…and just move on like nothing ever happened.

Dread, deeper fear, insecurity, loss of self, guilt, shame, fear of the future in a world without time!  AAAHHH!!!   This is the part of the trip where Hell is an actual place and Hell, my friend, is repetition.  Eternity.  It all depends on the severity of the conflict at hand, the hurdle, the skeleton.  It depends also on the strength and faith of the tripper.

For me personally, I’ve only lived this life as long as I’ve lived it at the time of the experiment.  I don’t know what it’s like to exist as a 40 year old version of myself, let alone an older, wiser, more mature version of myself.  I go through the “timeline” of my life up until I reach a “hurdle” and then everything sort of stops because I can’t stand to continue without conquering it.  How can I continue into enlightenment when I’m too confused and afraid to face a problem in the present…in the eternal moment?!

I’ve never continued to trip past the point of the present and I’m not sure if it’s even possible.  This theory proposes that it is possible.  Back in 2004 when I died, it wasn’t death from old age or the experimental aging of my ego, I gave up because I was stuck!  I was lost and tormented and so I was forced to struggle and fight and be tortured by my own mind or surrender and die.  I didn’t know at the time what dying in that way meant.  After the initial death took place, time did stop.  The world as I knew it stopped.  My heart as I knew it stopped.  I left my body and my consciousness continued to experience something beyond what happens in life.  It was then that I was fortunate enough to experience the continuation of my life—or potential life as it may have happened.  I saw myself in scenarios, I saw characters from my life (whether real or imaginary, physical or fictional) appear as if in a montage of events where I learned a certain lesson that “bumped” me forward in my spiritual growth.  I learned that these “bumps” were like when I felt the pain in my hip as an old man.  But what I know now is, that I wasn’t seeing myself as an old man at all.  I was experiencing a moment on my timeline that hadn’t happened yet.  It was two years down the road when I realized that I was glimpsing the future.  Two years into the future.  So not me as an old man, but “me” nonetheless.

I believe that everyone who takes mushrooms in a large enough dose goes through this.  They might not be aware of it, but the experience of an entire life in the microcosm is something that I don’t think I experienced alone.  I’ve been around friends who stopped at a certain point in their life’s journey and “played around” in that moment.  I’ve always been aware enough of what’s going on not to dwell in moments that have already passed.  There are moments that might be fun and enjoyable to repeat, but there is really no personal growth to be had from repeating those things.

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