Circuses and Cemeteries – 12/30/03

Since it all began in ’97, I have witnessed and participated in an extremely wild and fascinating realm of wonder and genius.  Surrounded at times by people and strange personalities words have no merit in describing.  I still, to this day, find it very hard to believe I was fortunate enough to experience it inside and out.  The wave peaked and washed to shore and walking along I see faded remnants of what once was great and powerful.
The friends and strangers I once so admired are now mere ghosts and shadow puppets that remind me what it was like to be really alive and ultra-living. I too have fallen ill to conformity of lost self. What a crazy vehicle we all had in the parade of normal life. Surprisingly enough is the fact that no single person in the circus could pilot it alone. No real leader. We all depended on the whole entity to survive. I saw it all dwindle to candlelight and hung on until my voice and desperate breath became a cry inside myself muffled by routine.
I cannot accept my fate as a bystander and must by all means push to carry on. For years I wait silent and alone slowly losing hope, wasting time and energy to simply last until the chance of renewal. Sitting in the dark and empty arena long after the band has retired listening to the echo of a note or the ghost of the star to whisper in my ear, “time to go.” All the cardboard phony props fall from the wind of the opening door and I can’t look back at the pictures of faces of the legendary beings who taught me so much…
The past is here only to remind the future where it has been and where not to linger ever again.

Dec 30, 2003

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