Today I damned God to Hell. Today is the third of September, 2003. I felt more hatred inside of me than I have in years. I never thought it could happen again. Once you feel unconditional love and know how easy everything really is, it seems impossible to ever slip back into deep depression. And you know it only gets worse. I don’t have any close friends now because of how distant I have become. It makes it easier to break down if there’s no one close. Funny thing is, is that I can almost watch myself act this way. I can only remember what it used to be like. . . when I could believe in something so inconceivable as faith. It feels like God died.
It’s weird too, being that it’s summer and all the nice weather and still feeling locked in prison with another clone of myself. Both of me are too cowardly to kill one another. The worst thing about losing interest in life is being too weak to commit suicide. Something tells me that would be worse than being alive. I don’t want to kill anything, it’s just a thought that sounds better sometimes. When it comes down to it, I just want things to change. I wouldn’t have the heart or the guts to kill someone or myself. I’m too scared of what would happen. What happened to make things so bad? Maybe I’m not satisfied with my well-paying job, or nice place to live, or the beautiful person I get to live with who loves me no matter what I do. Maybe it’s because I don’t do anything to deserve it. I think about what’s good for ME and all I get is torment. I don’t want to die, I just want things to be better and I’m too scared to do anything about it except get mad and lose my mind.
Ignorance is bliss as they say. But as soon as ignorance turns to knowledge, the bliss felt becomes questioned and looked at from different angles. What was happy and pure before wasn’t questioned, and if so, was regarded as a miracle or the mysterious forces that connect and guide us all. In other words, “it just is.” When an understanding is reached involving the feelings or thoughts regarded as nothing or constant, the emotion seems to lose its special quality (the parts that can’t be explained.) As humans, we struggle to bring back that special something only this time we see the steps in the ladder, know the answers to the test, and soon the puzzle isn’t fun anymore because you know how to make the picture on the box bigger and your accomplishment is simply following the instructions.
Love is love. The ones who know what it is can’t deny its power and influence. Hatred is the same, only opposite in its effects. Hate can influence, can change the lives of many in an instant, can bring people together or drive them apart. But throughout history love has always proved to be the better way. The only difference I see is that people who love don’t feel threatened by others who love. People who hate will hate others for being the same or for being different, but can still love in all the ways only humans can. They love their children as long as they don’t feel threatened by their decisions. They love family and sometimes even Jesus as long as something doesn’t interfere. The understanding involved with love is that its capability can never be fully understood, otherwise it would be considered fact and not an emotion. Through divine love, the answers to the other mysteries of the universe make more sense and thus allowing us to love and appreciate it more because now there is a connection. It’s hard to love something you know nothing about because often times it doesn’t make sense; its not certain. Someone could love you on the other side of the planet without you ever knowing about it. All because you are the same as they are. For a split second you might thoroughly love everything while you watch the clouds go by and an hour later hate everyone around you just because of an unnecessary traffic jam.
What matters to an individual is based on the interpretation of the situation presented…illusion, if you will. That doesn’t matter to anything other than the individual unless acted upon. There is a definite problem with functioning with an extended awareness. Communication. People who are stuck inside their closed circuit realities have a hard time accepting the things which are true, that is, truth that wasn’t obtained at school or at work. And as loving of a person you may be, without an absolute understanding of what is true yourself, people feel like their life is being threatened and sometimes close up to related information in the future.
October 6, 2003
I’m going through the low point of my life. Everything up to this point has been comparable to a bad day, but not a recurring nightmare such as this. Some may say it’s necessary and better now than later. I’m drunk and tired and my relationship’s at stake. The one true chance at finding a companion. And I fucked it up like my mind, like my brain. Never before did I imagine my adult life quite like this. Similar, as far as despair and uselessness. Was I a psychic or a modern visionary? Perhaps just a fucked up kid with no future. But wait…It got better after that…A time came when I thought those days were over. A new sun shone on the world in which I lived. Miracles happen everyday, and boy, was I paying attention! I simply forgot, lost faith, if you will. God is a temporary savior. Jesus watches and laughs knowing what will happen next. It’s gone down before and for some reason I thought I might have been the exception. Once you believe, the council listens and performs favors. Forgiveness has its boundaries and doesn’t stand strong. Someone told me once that God was me and I knew control. I said I wanted good things to occur and then…Maybe I spoke too soon, cause Hell is real and if God is me then why would I want to kill God? Good question. Why would a universal force find me and implant evil into the thoughts of a child?
From the time I first remember, I was out of place. No one that my little eyes could see was even a bit like me. Torture, slavery, innocent nightmaric dreams brought the world of the unimaginable to the mind core of a child. In a past life I wonder if something was done wrong. Could I help it even I wanted? From what I was taught, the Bible was the Tool. The worst of the worst could be all over if only one released themselves to a realm of half-truth. The reality is self-induced. Religion is dead and alive with love. Love is real until it is gone. Once gone, an empty existence covers the window. Dark clouds block the God from the rays of the sun. The only way to get back to purity is suffering. Human suffering, mind-blowing loneliness. Is that what God intended for the puppets of his likeness? After a short time we’ll finally see, but what is good must perish before salvation. What does an infant do to solidify a life of punishment? How can anger be solved if there is no fault?
I think what comes and see what there is. Of all things I’ve learned, enlightenment burns out. The soul can be pure and discover contamination from the devil at the height of realization. After all is done I hope it’s worth the trip. I made no decision to be born, and if I did, I’d want a perfect world. But some things are not to be helped. Dreams are implanted and not found by the innocent. Here I am an adult with an infinite supply of hate. To discover love, I must give up and forget, for it doesn’t happen when searched for and longed for. Really, I want nothing else than to be filled with universal compassion and know no evil, but I am just a man with good intentions.
I’ve got an evil inside me that hurts to fight.
I feel the cycle repeat and cannot deny it.
I have no choice but to let it manifest
and pray only for union and companionship.
Let us work together and solve the affliction.
If fate has me working helplessly alongside of hate,
then allow the tables to turn for lessons learned
so I may find true love for evermore. Amen.
I know what is right and well and keep that memory within me. But it seems I’m being tested by the powers that be. All my life is black or white, right or wrong, and when I get stuck in between, I suffer from deep confusion and mistrust. Which one do I follow? Always someone before me and carrying an example. I cannot see and feel the presence of divine love but still I remember. Fear eats my soul from both sides and leaves me decayed inside and an external projection of what I am is damaging the life around me. I do not feel any drive to do good except for the blind solidification of my place among the chosen. I try but never hard enough for the mocking to stop. When will it end? Death perhaps will answer me and I will rest or perish.
I have no excuses now. Guilt is now a finger pointing in my wrong direction. I know how love can be and I’ve felt it all go away. I’ve seen it all come to me, they showed me the secrets I can’t tell. Now I am all alone. Wondering how to get it all back again. What is there to live for besides knowing what there is to live for? How to avoid external death and why I should want to fight to survive in uncertainty? When is the time to give up hope? And where will I land after I fall? Is it all worth it when I’m not here anymore? I cannot blame my ignorance, for I have been shown what many have not seen. I’ve known the way and I have strayed away from anyone to lead me now. I feel like I’ve been let go, but cannot do this on my own. Maybe I’m the one who left, or am the one with selfish pride. Forgiveness is what God can give, but I have given God away. Repentance is what saves our souls, but sorrow leaves me in a hole and I cannot regret what’s chosen for me.
December 2, 2003
I put up dams on the emotional river because it flows too fast to keep up with. So fast and strong that the dams don’t hold and the river floods the ground. Washing away unprepared plants and villages with weak roots. Such power the water has over rocks and trees. Stretching and spreading freely at last barely remembering how it felt to be wild. It will fill the valley where it was meant to run through until the momentum eases along walls of the mountains. It can never stop until another dam is built. Only next time it must be further down the line where the river hasn’t found a home and relaxed into a lake. Everything was destroyed that was existing in the path of the river. Only what had grown on high ground remained to witness the awesome force of control, restraint, and finally collapse.
It’s no one’s fault for my behavior. I’m just like this. Stubborn, defensive, arrogant and unhappy. I put myself before anything because I fear that if I collapse then so will relationships and plans. But the plans are only mine and usually involve only me and fictitious characters that are future possibilities. In reality, my struggle to find myself has left me alone with only myself. So indeed, I have found myself and do not like it. When I do what I enjoy and love then I am temporarily happy because I am happy and feel positive and clear-headed. But I still do not like myself, I just love what I do because I think it’ll build character and people will like me. But if I like or love what I do and I am doing it to and for myself, then wouldn’t I love myself? No. I become proud and think that God is testing me. Then I wait for a response and if I don’t get one, then I become discouraged and depressed, cursing myself for doing something wrong. I then wallow in self-pity wondering why God would do such a thing to one with “good” intentions. Then I give up and do things that I’ve come to realize earlier in life to be wrong, e.g., drugs, sinful acts against myself and others, and behavior that will throw me in a hole and hit “rock bottom.”
From that point I can either stay or look up and use the sins as an example of what NOT to do again. A continuous cycle. I don’t know what I would do if I ever did “get there.” Even though I’ve been there before and know from memory that there is nothing to be afraid of or worry about because I am a “master game player.” I stay down and anonymous because I know how to act when I’m nothing. I am too proud and afraid of being who I want to be on account of the uncomfortable situations it would land me in. I would be embarrassed to cry in front of people who don’t know me and being happy and loving makes me cry. It sounds so easy when I think about it, but when the chance comes I let my inhibitions take over so everything remains normal and constant. I hate normal and constancy.
Far from the country and the cities alike
a boy born of quiet tongue lived just out of sight.
Dreams of a war he knew not how to fight
and his mind was the prison of consequence.
The world has seen better days before his time
and the choice to end employed him.
I guess that’s the difference between he and you.
Or perhaps you feel beaten by the battle for truth.